I'm sinking...

At least that is what it feels like. Why does life have to be so hard? Why does it seem to come easier for some people and harder for others? I’m gradually digging myself into a financial hole currently and I don’t know what to do. I know I should probably get a part-time job, but I’m lacking motivation even though I’m struggling beyond belief to pay my bills. I’m tired, but can’t sleep. I like being around people but don’t want to talk. My phone rings and I ignore it. I want to be on top of the game from once and not struggling behind.

On another note an update on the baratric surgery thing. That referral I had still has not called me back for an appointment. I’ve called multiple times and they have no answers, so I went back to my GP to get another referral for a different Doctor who performs gastric bypass. I’m currently waiting for my date for the appointment and at this point, I’m just keeping my options open.

Depressed, Lonely and Sad...

That is where I'm at right now or at least that is where I'm desperately trying not to fall into. As stated in my profile I have suffered from depression in the past, but it has been a very long time since I have felt like this and I'm trying really hard to fight it. I'm affraid though, that for a little while it might win. All I want to do is sleep, not go to work and not talk to anyone. I'm forcing myself to go to work and go out, but I don't know how long I'm going to be able to keep it up. I hate not feeling in control and I feel like my life is spiraling down. The logical part of my brain is telling me nothing has changed from a few months ago or even a year ago, so why am I feeling this way now. Depression is not logical...I hate that.

VGS Update

I called the doctors office today to get an update as to whether this consultation is going to happen or not or if I should forget about it and peruse other options. They told me that it will happen and they will be calling in a month or two. This makes me very happy. I’ve been researching the doctor and he is a highly skilled and recommended surgeon. Nothing however links him to weight loss or weight loss surgery and that will be my first question to him. Based on the information I have read I am not worried about him as a surgeon, but more why he has chosen this direction in his career. This still could happen before the year is up and the though of that is very exciting.

Right now

I’m feeling better, but I think that is because I have other things to occupy my mind. I still have not heard anything from the Doctors office. It’s disappointing, but I’m really holding out hope that they will call. I do really want to go forward with this, but if doesn’t pan out I don’t know what my other options are (if any). I know one thing; I’m really not interested in being in this body for the rest of my life. I wish there was another way or something else that I know would work and keep working. I know at the end of the day I have nothing to complain about, but it’s the one thing that has never felt right.

Time...

I’m feeling like I’m in a crossroads right now. Not knowing what is going to happen with the surgery and not know what my future holds. I don’t know what to do. I’m in a good place in my life and I am happy but something’s just doesn’t feel right, something’s missing. Not feeling in control of my feelings is not something I’m used too. Not being able to figure out exactly what I want and intellectualize everything, is not me. I don’t know what’s going on and I don’t really like it. I know I just need to give myself time and that everything will work itself out. I just hope that it ends up being sooner rather then later.

I knew it was going to smoothly…

The doctor’s office just called and cancelled my appointment that I had tomorrow and at this time is not rescheduled. She said there is a problem with the hospital and they need to work it out before they will be able to have consults. I’m upset, disappointed and hope they can work out whatever they need to work out. I should just always follow my gut feelings and my gut was telling me this all seemed too good to be true and was falling into place to easily. The only way to describe how I’m feeling is gutted.

He's just not that into me....

I’ve seen the movie, “He’s just not that into you”. Yesterday I bought the book on a friend’s recommendation and read it all. It should be every woman’s bible. I know I have high standards and that I deserved to be loved and treated right and this book just confirmed it for me. I learned that lesson after I devoted 5 years of my time, my love and devotion to a guy who at the end of the day cared more about himself and his needs then he would ever about mine. It also, confirmed that we woman are crazy and will think of any excuse or reason as to why a guy is not giving us the attention we need and that he WILL eventually come around. I don’t know why we torture ourselves. Well I do because I’ve been there, but not wanting to be lonely and feeling we will never find the man of our dreams really is no reason to not be happy with a guy. This book although a little frightening is very liberating. No longer will I try and convince myself that the guy I like will come around or listen to my girlfriends tell me to just give him more time, because you’re great and he will come around eventually. I’m surrounded by great relationships. I know what they look like and I know that it is what I want too. I just need to give it time and enjoy my life; hopefully one day there will be a guy out there that loves me the way I deserve to be loved, who returns my phone calls and makes me feel special. Until that time, I will date, but I will not let a guy lead me on or believe that he is the one if he really is just not that into me.

Anxiously waiting

My Doctor’s appointment is this week on Friday. I wish it were Friday already. I have a feeling this week is going to go by very slowly. I just want to know if and when he can perform the surgery and I hope I like him and feel comfortable with him to do it. If not I don’t have any other options unless I want to spend $16000.00 on the Lap Band and at the end of the day I don’t feel confident with the long term results it has to offer. Anyway, I guess time will tell. Is it Friday yet???

On another note, everything else in my life is going very well. I love my job and the direction it’s taking, I’m proud of myself for buying my condo on my own and surviving the first 6 months, I have wonderful friends and family and in general just love my life. However, something is missing…all my friend are getting engaged, buying houses with there significant other, getting married and having babies. I want that. For some reason I’ve always felt like I never deserved that or that I never needed that, but I do…

WOW!!!

Wow, that was fast. I had my appointment with my GP yesterday just to discuss the possibility of weight loss surgery and I just got a call with an appointment time to see the VSG surgeon in a couple of weeks. This might all happen for me in less time then I though.

Update...

I had my appointment today with my family doctor. He is supporting me in my decision to have weight loss surgery and will be referring me to a new Doctor, who has just opened a new clinic for Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy’s. I’m am anxious, nervous and excited all at the same time. I know I’m making the right decision to pursue this drastic measure and feel that I am in the right stage in my life to handle whatever comes my way.

And so it begins again, but this time hopefully with a better outcome...

The struggle of my weight continues. I have recently made the decision to look into gastric bypass. I know that it is a paramount decision for my life, but it is that or nothing at this point. Everything in my life is going well, I’m happy, I’m happy with the direction that my life has been going thus far and I feel that I no longer suffer from depression. It has been a long while since I have felt that down and I truly do feel I have conquered that part of myself. I’m in a good place in my life to make such a tremendous decision and know that I’m going to be able to handle it and all that it will bring for me.

I wake up every morning feeling I live in a fat suite, one that I can just unzip out of it. I feel like this was never the body I was supposed to have. I’m a vegetarian and have been for over 3 years, I always opt for the stairs instead of the elevator. I want to be more active, but regrettable my weight often holds me back. I don’t know how it came to be that I got to have this body, as I have been overweight ALL of my life and although I know this is not going to be easy and in actual fact will probably be the hardest thing I will ever do in my life, I’m ready now to make the commitment.

Now at this point I do not know if it will happen. All I know is that I have made the decision to go forward and pursue it. I have a doctor’s appointment this week and I’m hoping my doctor will support my decision. I will be using this forum to keep log of the events and to put down in writing the experience of it all.